Those Ten Weeks
by Lina Faro
Summary: Set between "Lauren" and "Proof". Those ten weeks after Emily "died" when Reid was falling apart. Goes into what that might've looked like. WARNINGS: drug use
1. Ch 01 Want to Forget

_Hey. So I'm still really hung up on the fact that the CM writers have completely dropped Reid's substance abuse storyline and I don't think I'll ever be over it. The best call back we ever got to that was in s07e02 "Proof" during the *iconic* Reid vs. JJ throw-down which had me reeeling, dude. Anyway - during that scene, Reid mentions how he was a wreck for 10 weeks and thought about relapsing. This is my little head canon where I basically propose that he did, in fact, relapse. I don't own anything. Enjoy._

_\- Lina Faro_

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Ch. 01: "Wanting to Forget"

Emily was gone, his headaches were getting worse, he feared constantly his gradual descent into the same disease that took his mother's mind. Reid didn't see much light in his life. It was a brisk March evening and the team had returned from a case in Portland. He didn't feel like going back to his apartment so he walked around D.C. which was quite beautiful at night. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't stop thinking about their case. A 25 year-old, schizophrenic man named Ben Foster, tormented with delusions of people who had died in a fire when he was a boy, in mere attempts to get rid of the visions and fall asleep, murdered four people.

That case hit home with Reid for obvious reasons. He saw himself in Ben and empathized with him. It was terrible timing to have that fall into his lap only a week after the loss of his coworker and friend, Emily. It also didn't help that he felt he was the only member of his team whose work was being noticeably affected by this. Of course everyone was devastated and morale was down; but Morgan, Hotch, and Rossi remained strong and stoic. JJ and Penelope were a little more expressive in their grief - and although Reid had long-since come to terms with the fact that he wasn't the alpha male type and never would be, he didn't like feeling like the weakest, _emotionally_, of the men on the team.

A strong wind blew through the towering buildings, stirring up fallen leaves and made Reid's hair flutter and fall back onto his forehead. Winter wasn't going to roll over and give it up to Spring just yet. Reid turned up the collar of his peacoat and decided he should head back in the direction of his place. His head pounded and even when he got to his apartment and tried to settle in for the night, in a cruel twist of fate it was now his turn to be unable to fall asleep. He hadn't slept well since his headaches started - maybe only three to four hours a night for the last few months. It wasn't healthy and it was taking its toll. That was another reason he resonated so well with Ben. Sleep was Reid's only reprieve from his brilliant mind which proved recently to be more of a curse than a gift. When at rest, horrific memory after horrific memory would float to the forefront of Reid conscious and would only be quelled when there was a case to work on or he passed out from exhaustion. Oh what he would give to just forget the details of all the cases they'd ever worked.

"_I know what it's like to want to forget_"

Another memory Reid wished he could dismiss bubbled up to the surface. He thought about a case in Texas only two years prior where Owen Savage - an outcast, constantly bullied and misunderstood - went on a rampage through his town; killing his father, his wrestling teammates, his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend, and almost an entire police force. Why did he have to relate to so many unsubs? Owen wanted to forget and exterminate the memories by quite literally exterminating those who had caused them. Reid had other methods, that were more _self_-destructive than anything, to erase painful memories - if only temporarily.

Reid shuddered. He was ashamed to have this tiny paragraph of his life be an undeniable part of his total story. But the truth was that there was a time where Reid would've rather self-medicated, risking everything he'd ever worked for, than deal with the onslaught of bad memories that plagued him every night. Even still some nights, long after he'd kicked his habit, he was so desperate for sleep he seriously considered tapping into a never-before-opened bottle of prescription pain meds he had acquired from any one of his numerous on-the-job injuries. But alas, he had the will-power to let them remain unopened, and in some cases, he'd go as far as to toss them out to avoid further temptation.

He wouldn't open any of the bottles tonight, but he wouldn't throw them out either. He'd let them sit on the middle shelf of his medicine cabinet - calling to him like a siren from behind the mirror.


	2. Ch 02 Not Worth It

_Oh my gosh, dude, thanks for clicking over to read chapter two. Maj appreesh. I've been rewatching seasons 6 and 7 (the Golden Age of Criminal Minds when Reid's hair and wardrobe was *kisses fingers like a French chef* très magnifique) and boy, do I tell you what! That's some quality entertainment right there. The best unsubs, the best M.O.s and motivations, the best team member flesh-out eps, the best team composition - everything is perfect and as it should be. Anyway, thanks again for reading. I don't own anything. Enjoy. __\- Lina Faro_

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**Ch. 02: "Not Worth It"**

A few days later, the team didn't have a case. They took the opportunity to catch up on their ever-growing piles of paperwork. Their unit chief took this slow day as an opportunity to have a minute with each member of his team to see where they were in their grieving process. It was pretty obvious who was where just by looking at them, but Strauss required a formal write-up after the loss of any agent.

You didn't have to be a profiler to tell that Derek was angry. That was his natural response to most things. Penelope was in denial or disbelief - not wanting to talk about missing her, only good memories. Rossi wasn't as easy to read but Hotch had known the senior agent for a long time and could tell he was going through guilt. Thinking of what more he could've done. Hotch knew in advance how everyone's consults would go, except for one. He wasn't quite sure where Reid was. He thought his youngest agent might've been in a state of depression, but then someday's he was as angry as Morgan. He also displayed feelings of guilt as well. It was hard to nail down. Then it was Reid's turn to talk to Hotch.

"It's just not fair that she's gone," Reid said. His voice didn't portray the anger that that statement contained. He continued, "it's like, if we can't even protect each other then what's the point of doing any of this?" He's feeling self doubt in his mission, his core values have been shaken and nothing makes sense anymore. Hotch just nods along and continues to listen,

"Sometimes I think maybe Gideon was right. Maybe it's just not worth it."

Now that had some weight to it. Hotch immediately feared Reid was making plans to quit the BAU. He figured out where Reid was in the five stages of grief. He was stuck between anger and depression which made his rage a quiet one and thus, more dangerous. It made him unpredictable and unstable. He worried about Reid's future performance in the field. The whole situation was especially messy given the fact that it was all a lie. Emily was alive and he and JJ were allowing all of their friends and coworkers to go through this excruciating process for, what they rationalized to be a good reason - Emily's safety. They never could've anticipated that, in fact, they'd be trading the safety of one agent for that of another. In this case, however, the threat wouldn't be a diabolical member of the Irish mafia, but something far less defendable that had laid in wait for three years now just starting to bud its ugly head.


End file.
